If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I've blown a few things in my day
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So many bounce houses so little time
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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