What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
