Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
