I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
