I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
