Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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