A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
