Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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