someone threw a dead crab at me
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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