but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
