I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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