We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
