dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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