Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
