Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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