How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
