did you get engaged???
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
