woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
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