Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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