We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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