2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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