please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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