John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
