I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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