my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
