3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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