I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
