I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
