I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
