I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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