Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize