I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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