i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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