Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
