im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
