u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
