We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
