He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
