Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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