these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
