I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
