Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
