She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize