I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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