why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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