my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
