Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize