I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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