Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
