If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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