she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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