you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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