haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
