8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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