i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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