Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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