I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
