i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
50% drunk capacity currently
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
