$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
