she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
