I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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