As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
