Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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