I wish they made helmets for livers.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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