We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
