I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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